A little update

Hi.

I have a lot of friends and family of friends who died of COVID-19. And for the past two years, I have been grieving. 

I also had a lot of personal breakthroughs. Most of them are related to career growth and my struggle for my mental health. Little joys from little battles won on a daily basis.

Many of my personal values have changed after facing heads on to this pandemic. For example, I thought that I would rather spend my time with some few friends or focus on work and survive this pandemic. However, this pandemic has drove me to stay with my family despite the hassle of readjusting with living with people them despite living solo since 2003. I rather see how my family is doing compared to checking how my friends are.

The current work that I have dreamed of, became the most dreaded worked I have ever done. Remote, unpersonal, transaction because of lock downs killed my desire to wake up and provide services to the public. 

I thought that I will not survive without a church. But I did. I have kept my faith. But I have simplified my theology. Love God above all. And love others as I love myself. Other things are just secondary. Because of this, I have been less focused on personal sins and mistakes and have focused more discovering the Living God that I have surrendered my life to. I have also been living lightly (magaan) because sins do not matter anymore. Ohhh, the grace of God is so intoxicating and freeing.

I miss travelling on air. I miss crossing borders. But during the pandemic, I have rediscovered biking and commuting. And walking. I have been travelling using the public utility vehicles, and it is wonderful. I have also enjoyed the adrenaline bof getting lost and having no travel plans.

Life is really short. My highschool best friend died not of COVID-19 during lockdown, but of cancer. And until now, I miss him so much. I miss our banters. And updates on shallow things about life and sex and relationships and families.

I have also cut down my credit card since it is not making life easier. The bank I am with for the past four years has not coped well with the pandemic. It has become a burden transacting with them. So I have to take my three steps forward and bid them goodbye.

How are you all? Do you still write?

 

Tinuloy ko na ang pangarap ko

Dahil naka-alternative set-up ako sa trabaho ng isa pang taon, nagdesisyon ako na ituloy na ang pangarap ko tumira sa bukid. Bakit ko pa hihintayin na matanda nako para sa sariwang hangin, at mas mabagal na buhay? 

Matapos ang ilang linggo na house hunting, nakita ko na ang dream batcave ko. Bukid pero malapit sa highway. Tago dahil medyo dalawang minutong lakad mula highway papunta sa bahay. May grocery store 300 meters away.

Bachelor's pad ang bat cave. Enough ang espasyo para sa dalawang tao. May kusina, at sala. Pinakamalaking espasyo ang kwarto. Pero enough sa 0.6 HP na aircon. Perpek!

Dahil iniwan ko na lahat ng gamit ko sa Maynila, bumili ako ng mga bagong gamit. Cabinet, aircon, fridge, pangluto, mga plato, cutleries, curtains at beddings. Masarap magsimula at mamili ng mga bagong gamit kung may pera at may mga choices sa gamit. Halos isang taon ako nakitira sa utol ko kaya medyo nakaipon at may pera panggastos. Sa ngayon, kulang pako ng kitchen rack at isang foldable table para pwede ako magtrabaho sa veranda kapag gusto ko medyo mag iba ang ambiance. 

Naninibago din ako kasi mag-isa ulit ako matapos ang isang taon na kasama ang pamilya. Wala pa rin akong kaibigan o kakilala dito sa bukid. Ngayong unang linggo na lumipat ako, kasabay ng MECQ ng aming lugar, every evening day ako umiinom ng beer sa veranda. Solo. Every other morning din ako gumigising ng maaga para maggiling ng Arabica coffee beans at mag french press ng kape, kasabay ng isang mainit na focaccia.

May mga araw na di okay ang mental health status ko. Pero palagay ko, mas okay ako ngayon kesa sa mga nakaraan. Patuloy ako na lalaban para patuloy na i-claim ang buhay ko.

Stressful pa rin ang trabaho ko. Pero ayoko naman mag resign dahil mahirap ang buhay ngayong pandemya. Sa estado ko ngayon, ang trabaho ko ang nag-a-allow sa akin na mabuhay sa pangarap kong tumira sa bukid.

Tapos nako ng vaccination ko. At nakuha ko na rin ang libreng flu shot mula sa aking kumpanya.

Sana nasa mabuti din kayong kalagayan, mga kaibigan sa blogosphere.

Konting pag-asa

Gumising ako ng maagang maaga. Gusto ko kasi makita ang paunti-unting paggapang ng liwanag sa kalawakan. Pati na rin ang paunti-unting pag-ingay ng mga ibon sa nag-iisang puno nsa tabi bahay na tinitirhan ko ngayon. 

Sa sobrang bilis ng mga araw, at sa dami ng hindi rin magagandang nangyayari sa paligid, nakakalimutan ko na pangarap ko noon ng tumira sa bukid. Mas payak na buhay. Hinahabol ako ng ingay ng syudad dahil sa aking trabaho. Nakalimutan ko na nabubuhay ako ngayon sa ilang taon kong pinangarap na buhay. 

Bawal ako ngayon ng brewed coffee dahil kailangan kontrolin ang caffeine na pumapasok sa aking katawan. Kaya naka chai tea latte ako ngayon. Sariling gawa. Hindi galing Starbucks. Unti-unting paghigop dahil mahaba ang oras ko. Alas singko pa lang ng umaga. Alas otso pa simula ng maingay kong buhay sa trabaho. 

Magiging okay din ang lahat, paulit ulit ko. Gusto ko bigyang pag-asa ang sarili.

MECQ note to self

I used to mentor a very athletic college student who did not like the undergraduate course he's taking. I told him to shift out of that course and take B Sports Science as a premed. 

He was able to enter and finish the BSS program, joined the wrestling and weight training club in the University and breezed through his college classes. 

He's now a doctor. Yesterday, we reconnected via messenger. Despite not hearing his voice, his messages exhibits exhaustion. 

Two of his messages yesterday were these: 

Totoo. Meron nga po ako isang patient buong family nila na admit. Di inakala ng mag asawa na last time na nila magkikita sa ER. namatay yung husband.

March 1 return to work

This March, a lot of us has been called back to physically report to work. Despite the slow rollout of vaccine and the continuous threat of being infected by Covid-19 virus, the government has started encouraging the return to usual mode of work because our economy has suffered a lot. It is as if, economy is a vital, living, precious being that outweighs the value of human lives. 

For more than nine months, I have struggled adjusting to the online mode of office and administrative work, heavily depending on my own effort to look for ways to get a stable internet connection in a very rural and agricultural area where I was stocked since the first lockdown. I was tagged as a locally stranded individual (LSI) in a barangay in Laguna, away from my friends and workmates, displaced from my home in Quezon City. 

Like any responsible employee, I developed a system to ensure that the company where I am employed is able to still get the deliverables it expects of me. My mental wellbeing suffered as well as my physical health. Being restricted of any movements outside my residence, I stay in my work space from 7AM to almost 12 midnight. Workload has tripled as everyone is trying to migrate to distant mode of transaction. 

I have a better grasp of my work by February 2021 only to find out that I need to go back to the old way of work starting March. I have wished for so long for the day that I will go back to the pre-pandemic working system. But now that this wish was granted, I am surprised that I am very hesitant and doubtful if I can survive another wave of adjustments. 

I have been regularly seeing my doctor and the meds given to me has helped me rest my mind and not overthink and worry. And I don't want to go to another downward spiral because of another abrupt adjustment. 

Oh Lord. Have mercy. 

Breathing lessons*

I worked with preschool children for a significant number of years.  There's a technique that I have learned in order for them to calm down whenever they have a negative emotion, or just mellow down when they have so much energy.

It's the "smell the flower and blow the candle" technique. I just have to instruct them to pretend holding a flower on one hand and a candle on the other hand. And then I just tell them, "Everybody smell the flower. (Inhale). And blow the candle. (Exhale)."

This also works with the adults. I was asked to facilitate several mindfulness based cognitive exercises to a women's varsity volleyball. Conscious, slow breathing allows them to focus on the present and lessen the worry for the future or be anxious about their past mistakes in the game. They even had this "Smell the flower, blow the candle" printed in their shirts that they use whenever they practice hard.

Posting this random topic here in blogosphere in case someone might need to just breath and be present. 

*Pasintabi kay Anne Tyler